When You Don't Have The Capacity To Listen

One of the best quotes I heard last year regarding being mindful of others mental health said to "Ask permission before sharing or discussing with someone". That was something that I couldn't quite articulate, but had been feeling for sometime.

A few years ago at a women's retreat with my church, we took an in depth quiz to find out our personal and spiritual gifts. My results came back with a heavy emphasis on being an encourager, having wisdom, and someone that listens. Everyone that I told not only agreed but said "you didn't need to take a quiz to tell you that". I realized that I'm often that person people feel comfortable sharing things with, whether exciting news or something very personal. Most of the time I'm genuinely excited, or able to be there for something they share that is difficult.

Last year when I was going through my own disappointments, hurt and frustration, for the first time, I had little to give anyone. I smiled and offered a congratulations to their good news, but deep down couldn't help but feel "and here is someone else celebrating a blessing, while I have no new ones". When asked for advice over a situation, or for prayer for something concerning, I had to go deep within to find the right words, considering I was struggling to have them for myself.

I work in an office where we are all very close. Everyone is at various stages of life, ranging from fresh in their careers, focused on their families, or even approaching retiring from the working world. There have been times it's been hard for me to listen to certain conversations that are areas that I've struggled in. We've had coworkers announce pregnancies while another was suffering from infertility. The imbalance of where we are in life can at times create challenges in being able to receive what was shared. It can be frustrating to ask your coworker with no kids how their weekend was and they boast that they spent it relaxing and sleeping in, when you are a Mom that can't remember the last time you had a full nights sleep, let alone slept in. That same single girl may long for a night of having to wake to check on the kids.

I've had to learn to offer a simple "Is it okay to share" before indulging details, simply because day to day we don't know the state someone is in. I remember earlier this year having my annual gynecologist appointment and the nurse asked if I've ever considered freezing my eggs. 2 years before when I asked my doctor this, she laughed and said I had no reason to worry about it. Now, here I was having it presented to me as an option, even given a pamphlet when I left. When I got to work, the conversation of the day revolved around kids. No one knew I came to work on the verge of tears, wondering if I missed my chance of being a parent. I remained quiet all day, replaying the nurses words, unable to join in to the work conversation.

We can't control every conversation around us, so we have to find ways to navigate them. I had to turn in that moment to bible verses, and even step away to ask God to pray for my heart and lack of confidence. When a coworker brought up their kids, I was honest that it wasn't really a good day for me to discuss, as harmless as the conversation was, it was not one I had the mental space to participate in.

Learn to be honest if you just don't have the capacity to have a conversation, and try to be mindful by asking if it's okay to share, thinking of who your audience is. Just because someone is generally open to discuss personal topics, they may be in a place day where that changes. Do a check in to make sure they are in the space of having certain conversations to be respectful and mindful of the current state they are in. It’s important to also have ways to work around those times that you are not in the space to discuss sensitive topics. Step away and pray, have bible verses, quotes or mantras to turn to. Whatever you do, be honest of when you are not fully capable of being present in a conversation because it’s personally uncomfortable.

We tend to be polite by having conversations that deep down, we don't have the capacity at that time for. Be able to be honest that you are not in a space for the conversation, and it's not at all personal. I truly believe that even the most compassionate person at times needs to take a break and protect their heart and mind from areas they are working for strength on. The enemy loves to find our weak spots to speak lies and discouragement. If you know an area is a soft spot, respect your current emotions and communicate what you are not capable of. Proverbs 4:23 CEB reminds us “More than anything you guard, protect your mind, for life flows from it”.