“Mourning The Loss” Of How You Thought Things Would Be

Last year I thought of a phrase that perfectly described the feeling of letting of “how we think things should be”. I realized that it was equivalent to "Mourning the loss" of a dream, an idea, a timeframe, a plan or what we thought an outcome would be. We may find ourselves mourning the loss of not being where we thought we would be at a certain age, as far along in our careers, as traveled, or living differently than we are now.

To mourn the loss isn‘t saying that you are giving up on a dream or desire, but instead that you are allowing yourself to let go of how you thought that it would happen. That may mean you are letting go of the steps, age, people or opportunities that you thought would be part of your story. Maybe you "thought" that you would have accomplished goals like being married, at a certain level in your career, a business or homeowner at a certain age. When those things haven’t happened in the timeframe you expected, you may find yourself panicking or doubting they would happen at all. Last year I dated someone that admitted to being a bit depressed because he felt all the things he worked so hard for were “owed” to him. He spent years investing in his education and career, not expecting to be approaching 40 and still single with no kids.

I was incredibly humbled (I should say touchéd) when I was led to a verse that completly shut my mouth on thinking that I had any authority in how the outcome of my dreams and and would actually happen.

Isaish 40:12-14 MSG says "Who has scooped up the ocean in his two hands, or measured the sky between his thumb and little finger, Who has put all the earth’s dirt in one of his baskets, weighed each mountain and hill? Who could ever have told God what to do or taught him his business? What expert would he have gone to for advice, what school would he attend to learn justice?"

After reading that verse, I learned to remove my determination to understand how things would turn out. We aren't expected to know all the steps, we are instead expected to do our part by putting in work and believe that God will make it happen in his perfect timing.

James 2: 14 NKJV says "What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can faith save him?"

The verse doesn't call for us to bring to God how it should play out, it asks that we work and believe that it will.

Letting go of the need to direct or control the process is the ultimate act of faith. It's saying that you trust God so much that you are taking your hands off of it so that you can put in the work, trusting he will not leave you empty handed. Maybe it will not come back in the exact way that you expected, but one thing he has promised is that the righteous will never be forsaken! (Psalm 37:25). Remove the fear that God will not do what you are praying for by standing on his word that confirms that he will bless us with anything that we wish IF we remain in him (John 15:7). In our hearts, we have planned how it will happen, but it is God that will order our steps (Proverbs 16:9). We are blessed when we continue to believe without seeing God's promises (Luke 1:45) so let go of the need to control or know the outcome and fix your thoughts on instead having unshakable faith in even those things that you do not see (Mark 11:23). There is only so much that we can fulfill with our own abilities, resources or knowledge (Romans 12:6-8). God wants us to use our gifts, talents and power, however he does not want us to be so fixed on them that we don't allow room for him in our plans. His power is so much greater than ours that we should have no reason to fight him on trusting him and what he can do in even those things that seem impossible (Job 26: 7-14).

Allow yourself to move through the emotions that come with mourning the loss of your dreams without remaining in them.

Based on the 7 stages of loss, pray that God is with you as you move to the final stage, acceptance.

1. Shock: Wrapping our heads around the reality that it is time to relinquish control. Emotional reaction to realization that your way is no longer the path to take.

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. Proverbs 16:9

2. Denial: Avoidance of the reality that things are not as you envisioned it would be.

For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. Romans 8:7

3. Guilt: Shame or embarrassment that we neglected to allow God to guide and lead our plans or put full trust in him.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1

4. Anger: Before fully relinquishing, feeling angry and even questioning why happening to you this way, especially if others seem to have done it there way and were still blessed by God. Feeling upset unfairly held back from doing it your way.

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

He said to them, “It is not for you to know times or seasons that the Father has fixed by his own authority. Acts 1:7

5. Depression: Feeling helpless in acceptance of letting go of the thought of how things should be.

But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

6. Working Through: Beginning to willingly relinquish control with peace, faith and trust developing in doing so even when the future remains uncertain and unclear.

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

7. Acceptance: Able to accept reality, even if the feelings of mourning how you thought it would be remain, trusting that you can believe in God's plan.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11