“But I WANT him”...God will send someone you HAVE

When a relationship that I was in came to an end that was not mutual (I was dumped lol) I remember crying to my best-friend and saying "But I still want him!". I was so hurt that someone rejected me, especially when I still wanted to be with them. My best-friend asked what made me still want to be with him, and my response was how much fun that I had with him. She very slowly said to me "Sweetie, you have a lot of fun with us. You don't need him for that". She was right. I WANTED him, I couldn't HAVE him, and to be honest, didn't NEED him.

It didn't take me long to realize that my want wasn't about him at all, it was my need for validation. I couldn't believe someone didn't want to be with me, which was incredibly arrogant but the honest reason I was upset that he didn’t chose to be with me. I was taking one of my favorite quotes by Zora Neale Hurston, "How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company" to heart by taking personally someone that rejected me. What I needed in that season was to learn to break from my need for validation. I needed to learn to get to a place where I understood that everyone will not want to continue to be or even get into a relationship with me, and that's absolutely okay.

The tricky thing about validation is that it can be a combination of ego and insecurity. My ego was bruised because someone that got to know me decided that they no longer wanted to be with me, and my insecurities needed them to change their mind to prove there was nothing wrong with me. I had to learn to not need validation to confirm who I was, my worth, value, or as Zora said that there was anything wrong with my company. Validation will have you seeking love in the wrong places, wanting what you don't need because it feeds your insecurities, or unable to let go because someone makes you feel good about yourself and feeds your ego. A year after things ended, I learned my exes reason was not even personal. Hearing that it wasn't me gave no peace or closure because I already spent time learning to love myself without needing to hear that he accepted or appreciated me. I wanted so badly when things ended for him to confirm that it wasn't me, but that was only because of my bruised ego and insecurities.

When you have confidence in your worth, you can respect that you will not be for everyone, and there is nothing wrong with that. How often have you raved over a restaurant, song, book or film, only for someone to try it and not have the same reaction or excitement. That doesn't mean you were wrong, or that they were either for not liking it. When I learned to let go of seeking approval, I learned to have the right reasons for liking something or someone that was not tied to validation. I've met and dated great guys that simply weren't the best fit for me. That doesn't speak any less of them, it just means there is someone else that would be a better fit. We are all just puzzle pieces and not fitting everyone’s needs is expected, and does not diminish the need or importance of who you will be for the one that will see you as a perfect puzzle piece.

I've learned that God will send someone that I do not have to "want", because I will always be chasing after their approval, acceptance, love and validation. He will send someone that you will "have", and that will be the right puzzle piece for you, enjoying the pleasure of your company. In order to get there, learn how to first have acceptance, love and confidence in yourself. That way you don’t need to find it anywhere else and will not become insecure if you are on the end of an ending of a relationship that was not mutual.

Photo Credit: Michael Simons